If you don't have anything nice to say, then say nothing at all

The Boston Herald

BEVERLY BECKHAM

More wisdom from my 22-year-old.

I was moaning the other day about people who offer their opinions without being asked, and who inevitably begin their diatribe with some negative phrase like, "The problem with so-and-so is ..." or "How could you ..."

For instance:

"The problem with that baby is his mother. She picks him up every time he cries. If she'd just put him to bed and let him scream, he'd learn to go to sleep."

"How could you be thinking of sending your son to that school? It's classless. It attracts the wrong kind of people. Why don't you just take a loan and send him somewhere better?"

My daughter's way of dealing with these unsolicited remarks from people who are bare acquaintances is to smile sweetly and say, "When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."

But I always get too annoyed to be clever. I stand in the wake of stinging judgments and remain mute.

"Don't tell me you're reading that insipid book. Why are you wasting your time?"

"That outfit does nothing for you. I hope you didn't pay retail for it."

"My son had a car just like the one you bought. He had nothing but trouble with it. It cost him a fortune. It was the worst car he ever owned."

What are you supposed to say to comments like this?

A guy I was introduced to at a party a few months ago, asked, just minutes after we met, and "And what is it you do?"

When I told him, he bellowed, "You write for the Herald? I don't allow that paper in my house."

How should you respond to such a remark? I walked away.

I was tempted to return a while later and tell him that while it was all well and good that he was so fastidious about the reading material he allowed in his house, he might want to readjust his priorities and keep his eye on people going in and out his door. For I had heard the man's wife whisper, "I love you" to another man, while her husband stood not 10 feet away.

I could have told him - tit for tat and all that. But my mother taught me better. I said not a word and since he doesn't read the Herald, he won't learn it here.

But I digress.

The subject is rude remarks, which are not to be confused with welcome suggestions.

It's OK, for example, to say to someone, if you happen to be standing in the kitchen with that someone while she's making spaghetti, "You know, if you add just a little bit of oil to the pasta after you drain it, it won't stick to itself."

But if you make the same suggestion using other words ("I can't believe you don't know enough to add oil. Where have you been all your life - in a cave?") the helpful hint turns into a rude harangue.

A little more caution with words is what we need this year. A little more civility and a lot less judgment.

These are the ways not to begin a sentence in 1994:

"I've told you a thousand times ..."

"How could you have been so stupid ..."

"It serves you right ..."

"You people ..."

"Those people ..."

"You should have ..."

"Why didn't you ..."

"You wouldn't be in the mess you're in now if ..."

"Don't tell me you paid good money for that ..."

"I really don't want to say this, but ..."

SO DON'T SAY IT!

And while we're on the subject of ways not to begin sentences, how about some ways not begin phone calls? When did "Who's this?" become a salutation? The phone rings, I answer it, and the caller says, "Who's this?"

I want to hang up on the person.

I also want to hang up on people who play "guess who?"

"Hello?" I answer.

"Hello," a voice says.

"Who is this?" I ask.

"Don't you know?" the voice responds.

Maybe hanging up is solution. The only solution. Hang up. Disconnect. Walk away.